A Rain Storm

“You’re getting me wet, go to the back seat,” I was told. “We’ll be in Outer Banks within the next three hours if we don’t stop.”

I hadn’t slept in nearly two days, first because I was anxious to go on this trip, second because my parents warned me the night before I left to be careful with this group. Something about their history worried my mom. I looked at the other people in the van with a keen observation. They were full of a different almost unnatural eagerness. I couldn’t understand their insatiable excitement to go on vacation together. I was going because I thought maybe I could become like them, maybe I could absorb their positive inclination for vacations and community. Yet, the longer I spent in such proximity, the more different from them I felt.

The rain stopped, in last three hours of our journey not a single person acknowledged me. It was nice to be invisible, yet it baffled me immensely. I had been around this group for three months and in that time, I was given a generous amount of attention and affection. One by one each person in this group singled me out for lengthy conversations about my life and I gladly shared. You see, I grew up in a small community of Mennonites in Ohio, where everything was everyone’s and there were no secrets amongst your family and friends. I moved to campus to study and find my own way and during the first semester I found a group of young people who called themselves “The Phillies” after the greek word Philadelphia, meaning “brotherly love” . They seemed quite convicted of their beliefs. I admired their convictions, their way of being in constant community drew me even more into their sphere. I found that they didn’t live by strict rules like the Mennonites, no, they drank alcohol and were looser with their speech. Those were simple yet appealing allowances to me. I never appreciated the legalistic tones of my upbringing. The judgement for crossing grey lines of morality and the whispers of superiority from behind other’s backs. I thought maybe this place, these people called “The Phillies”, maybe they had figured it out, how to follow God’s principles without man-made restraints.

“Jane.”

I looked up to see Kat, a woman two years older than I, who seemed to take a serious interest in mentoring me.

“Jane, you’re spacing out,” she spoke. “Once we get to the beach house, I want to talk.”

I nodded.

The beach house was large, vertically built, with a basement full of activities like shuffleboard and table tennis. Ten bedrooms spread across the house, one room full of bunkbeds, is where I set my bags down. Kat followed me into the room and closed the door.

“Jane, I’ve thought a lot about our discussions the past few months, and I am so glad you decided to join us on our trip. It’s just a little concerning to me that you still refuse to make the prayer. I am hoping by the end of this trip you will surrender yourself to God.”

I sat down on the lower bunk and felt a wave of confusion cover me. I looked up at Kat, she seemed so sure of what she was saying, so certain that I felt maybe I was missing something, maybe I was too ignorant to understand her deeper meaning.

“What prayer?” I asked.

She laughed and sat down on the floor in front of me, putting the palms behind her.

“You zone out during our talks together, don’t you?”

“I-“

“You do, don’t feel bad about it, I am not offended,” she replied, but something in her tone felt harsh. “The prayer of repentance.”

“I have made that prayer.”

“When?”

“I don’t remember exactly when but when I was a little girl, with my mom-”

“See, you don’t remember the exact day and you were too young to even understand, so what’s the harm in praying it again?”

“I know what I prayed,” I spoke softly.

“What fruit have you produced? You see, in this community, we believe that those who truly know God and repent of their sins will produce much fruit. Anna and Tom, the senior leaders, they have four disciples each and their disciples have disciples, that is an entire tree of fruit. You, what do you have?”

“I don’t have any fruit like that,” I replied.

“I know, I was hoping you would see it before we left for this trip because this specific beach trip is for those ready to dedicate their lives to the mission. I still let you join us, though, in hopes you will be persuaded,” she spoke, I nodded, my face probably looked contorted in confusion because she laughed and then left the room.

 I laid down on the bunk bed, looking up at the metal bars. I knew what I believed about God, the foundational principles were so steady within my mind. Yet, Kat was under the impression I was unrepentant. How? I thought to myself and replayed our conversations repeatedly, nothing made sense to be about how she talked to me. I decided to go for a run to clear my mind.

The beach was cloudy, the waves were harshly hitting the sand, it seemed the storm had followed us. A small group of young men ran past me, all with their shirts off, I felt vulnerable and looked down to my oversized t-shirt covering my body. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and now I was stuck in a house with near strangers. I really didn’t know any of them, I didn’t know their normal ways of interacting and if I could fit in, or if I wanted to fit in at all.  

“Hey, you should go to your house, it’s going to start pouring,” A man spoke behind me, the group of men ran past but one stayed behind.

I realized he had been following behind me and my heart pounded thinking I had made a fool of myself by running. I nodded and turned around to start for my beach house, yet, realizing that all the beach houses looked so similar, and I hadn’t kept a mental note of the differences mine held. I noticed the man watching me, still following from behind.

“You don’t know which house is yours do you?” He asked.

“Not really, I have only run about half a mile, though, so it can’t be too far,” I answered.

“Which group are you in?”

“Group?”

“Yeah, like are you in Omega, Refinery, or another one, most of these houses are led by Tom and Anna,” he spoke.

“Oh, I am new, I don’t know the names of the groups, but Omega does sound familiar, I think I heard someone mention it once at a meeting,” I spoke, the man looked up at me suddenly and his face got red.

“Oh, you’re very new, I am sorry for confusing you. Well, I know where Omega is, it’s about six houses down from where we are,” he spoke. “Well, here comes the rain.”

It began to rain so hard my eyes could barely see what was in front of me. I heard the thunder whip the sky and lightening behind the ocean seemed far enough away. I was running as fast as I could to keep up with the man, I still didn’t know his name. I felt his had grasp my wrist.

“Come on, this is your house,” he spoke, pulling me up a small but steep sand dune. We ran unto a boarded walkway and the house was so close, but I didn’t want to go inside. The man and I stood underneath the second-row deck by the pool, finally out of the rain.

“Thank you,” I spoke.

“No problem, my name is Cash.”

“I’m Jane.”

I felt a strange moment between us as we stood soaking wet and out of breath. Cash gave me a smile, his eyes finding mine, but I looked away quickly.

“I am going for a run in the morning, if it stops raining, if you want to join. It’ll probably be around seven.”

“Sure, that sounds nice,” I spoke, my body began to relax from the run, and I felt a wave of chill cover me. Cash ran over to the rack of beach towels and threw one to me, “thanks again.”

“No problem,” he spoke, he seemed to have something on his mind, “I know how difficult it can be for someone who is new to this community, I’ve only been around for a year now and I’m still getting used to everything.”

“I can’t figure it out, honestly, what every has that I don’t. And I am beginning to question if I am a true believer, even though I know what I believe, I have always been so sure of that, but ever since my first meeting, I’ve been questioned, tested,  and now I feel as though I truly don’t know anything,” I spoke, my words poured out of me.

“Don’t let them change you,” Cash spoke, “I know there’s a lot of wonderful things about the people and the way we follow God, but it’s not perfect, some people here well, they are more interested in-“

“Jane!”

I looked to the basement sliding door to see Kat peaking through it, she looked surprised to see me. I looked at Cash but he was already leaving, his back grew further from me as he walked back into the rain.